I Just Made You Say Underwear
by Invisible-Trinity
Summary: Darien, Alex, and Bobby get an interesting assignment...What does a thong have to do with all of this? R&R Please.
1. Default Chapter

I Just Made You Say Underwear By Invisible Trinity  
  
Warning: Contains spoilers from "Enemy of My Enemy" and "The New Stuff." Also makes references to previous fics: "Love At First Sound," "I Smell A Rat," and "All You Need is Love?"  
  
Disclaimer: All episodes and characters, with the exception of Lillianne, Violette, Ray, and Avon, are property Sci-Fi. *Shakes fist madly* If only I-Man were ours!!!! Also, the title is a lyric from the BNL song "Pinch Me." I don't own that at all.  
  
Note: This fic is dedicated to all my fellow VVSBers and is really just for fun. I'm not responsible for anyone ending up in Naughtyville. ~_^  
  
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Eberts walked through the Agency with a large stack of papers in his arms. Today was going to be a busy day. A lot had happened in the past few months. Arnaud was visible again and had escaped the Agency. Darien no longer had the quicksilver madness, left and then came back. Claire had transferred back from the CDC and Hobbes.was always there. Everything had been completely topsy-turvy. He walked by the room where Lillianne lay in a coma, still. He sighed. She had been such a nice person. and she had kissed him. Eberts shook his head. There was no way she was attracted to him. After all, it was clear she favored Darien over anyone else. Eberts continued down the hallway passing the Archives when he stopped mid-step. He looked in through the frosted glass and saw a figure standing there, apparently looking over some files in a cabinet. Appalled, Eberts went in to find a woman standing over the file cabinet. Taken slightly aback, Eberts cleared his throat. "No one, but authorized personnel are allowed in. this.-," Eberts trailed off. The woman's beauty completely mesmerized him. She was fairly petite with fair skin and bright red hair. She wore a black dress suit and black brimmed glasses. She nudged them up her nose as she looked through the cabinet. She had the greenest eyes Eberts had ever seen. The woman looked up startled and straightened up. "Oh, I am authorized," she said pulling out a badge. "I was just hired here recently.. My name is Avon. Avon Stratford." Eberts looked at her badge. Sure enough, she had a badge for the Agency. "Oh, well." he struggled to find the words, "My name is Eberts.I mean.Albert.. Albert Eberts.. Um, you still shouldn't be in here, Ms. Stratford." "Oh, please call me Avon.I didn't mean to trespass.I just smelled the toner and was drawn in." Eberts heart skipped a beat. "And then," she continued, "I saw that these papers were mixed together and.who would put the mint with the pink with the buff? I mean.how could I help it?" "Well, you can touch my drawers any day," Eberts said in a daze. "What?" Avon said, caught off guard. Eberts stopped breathing. Gathering his wits, he inhaled deeply. "I mean..Ah, yes, that would be Agent Hobbes' doing.Well, thank you for sorting all this out, but I think it best that we leave." "Ah, yes," she said pleasantly, "that would be the proper thing to do.Mr. Eberts, did you say? I do believe I was assigned to help you organize the Agency a bit more." "Please, call me Albert." Eberts said with a smile. He offered his hand. She took it. Eberts felt a slight tingle in his hand. This woman was absolutely stunning. No one had ever sounded like her before.she sounded like him. Eberts and Avon walked down the hall together.  
  
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	2. There's always a catch

George Sand said, "Work is not man's punishment. It is his reward and his strength and his pleasure." I'd love to agree with ol' Georgie, but there are times when I honestly think my job is punishment for all those crimes I've committed.  
  
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Fawkes, Hobbes, and Munroe sat in the Official's Office. Eberts walked in with an armload of papers and set them down on the table. He proceeded to hand out folders of information as the Official began to brief them. "We've been asked to act as bodyguards to an ambassador," the Official began. "We're being taken as a legitimate agency." "Which means we will receive more funding." Eberts continued. "If you three don't screw things up," the Official finished. Alex, Darien and Bobby all looked at each other. It was like the Official and Eberts were one person. "It will be an easy surveillance job with new equipment," The Official said, smiling at the thought of new equipment. "Wait a minute," Darien began," there's got to be a catch..." "Why are you so cynical, my friend?" Bobby interrupted. "I'm not being cynical; I'm being reasonable." "That's not reason, that's pessimism." "How would you know?" "Bobby Hobbes knows about reason." "Ya, sure." "What are you implying?" "Nothing...it's just that.Have you taken your pills today?" Darien and Bobby became enthralled in their conversation. Alex rolled her eyes. The Official grimaced. He cleared his throat. The three looked at him. "Eberts," he said. "You'll be working undercover to protect this woman," Eberts said as everyone gazed at the photos in their folders. "Her name is Lydia Pertrovsky. She represents a small region of the former Soviet Union." "Her country got a name?" Alex asked, raising an eyebrow. "Not as of yet," Eberts said. "The country was just recently founded.It has yet to form a permanent government." "This seems too good," Darien said, shaking his head. "There's got to be a catch." "No catch," The Official said smiling. "Actually, there is." Eberts began. "Shut up, Eberts." "Yes, sir." "I'm sure there's no catch, sir," Hobbes said humbly. "You, sir, would never hide information from us." "Shut up, Hobbes," the Official said curtly. Hobbes slouched a bit in his chair. The Official grunted. "Read the briefing. It's all there. Dismissed." The trio looked at each other and got up. They headed out the door and walked toward the Keep.  
  
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"Did I read that right?" Darien asked furrowing his brow. He was sitting in his chair in the Keep. Hobbes and Alex sat on the examining table across from him. "Read what right?" Claire asked as she took a sample of his blood. She still wasn't sure about the cure for quicksilver madness. Arnaud could not be trusted. "This assignment.I knew there was a catch," he replied. "Will you just stop it about the catch?" Alex said annoyed. "What are you talking about?" Claire asked perplexed. She had missed the briefing entirely. "Well, Claire, we got a new assignment.undercover," Hobbes said, moving towards Claire. He leaned on Darien's chair. ".and Fawkesy here has to-" "Don't say it!" Darien winced. "Dance around in his skivvies," Alex said with a grin. "What?!" Claire said completely shocked. "We have to infiltrate an establishment of adult entertainment," Hobbes said coolly. "Pornography?" Claire asked, looking even more confused. "No," Alex said still grinning. "A strip club." Darien groaned and ran his hand through his hair. Alex started laughing uncontrollably. She almost fell off the table. Claire began to chuckle as well. Hobbes patted his partner reassuringly on the shoulder. "Don't worry, partner," he said. "If you really don't want to do it. I could always fill in." With that, Alex burst into tears laughing, falling off the table this time. She writhed on the floor, trying to gasp for air. Darien and Claire burst into laughter as well. Bobby gave everyone a dirty look. Seeing this, Claire bit her lip, trying to keep the laughter in. "Fine! Fine," Hobbes said irritated. "Bobby Hobbes can take a hint! I think, my friends, that you underestimate the power I have on women." Alex, Darien, and Claire paused, and looked at Bobby. He had a look of I'm- completely-serious on his face. They burst into laughter again. "Ha-ha-ha!" he sneered. "Well, that's it, partner. I was trying to cut you a break, but now, you can forget it!" He turned to leave. "Wait!" Darien said. He was too late. Hobbes had already stormed out. "Aw, crap!"  
  
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	3. Guess who?

Hobbes pulled up to the quaint little house that he'd been to before. It was just as cute as when he'd first visited. He hadn't meant to storm out of the Keep like that, but Fawkes had really crossed the line in there. He was very sexy. He remembered when they were investigating the A.S.S.He smiled at the memory. That was a good case. Anyway, this gave him the opportunity to visit Violette. He promised that he'd visit as often as possible. Poor little kid. Her mom was still in a coma, and Claire still hadn't decoded all the research. Hobbes grabbed the giant teddy bear out from the back of Golda and headed towards the door. He walked up and knocked on the door. He couldn't wait. "Who the hell is it?" shouted a man from inside. Aw, crap, Hobbes thought. It was Ray. Bobby shook his head. The Agency had offered to put them into witness protection, but Ray refused: too much of a man. Hobbes shrugged. The door opened. "Oh. it's you," Ray said less than enthused. He looked as though he had just awoken from a nap. "Good afternoon, Mr. Stanley," Bobby said formally. "Is Violette in?" "What are you, her date?" Ray mocked. Hobbes tried his best to keep his cool. "I promised her that I'd visit." "She's here, but-" Before Ray could finish, Violette came racing up to the door. "I knew I heard you!!" she shouted, jumping into Bobby's somewhat full arms. "Hey, kiddo!" he said with a huge smile. "Whoa, take it easy." "Eh, I guess you two can stay here," Ray walked back into the house with indifference. Hobbes gave him a dirty look. "Uncle Bobby!! I missed you!" Violette exclaimed. Hobbes set her down. "I missed you too. Hey, check it out. I brought you a little gift." Bobby handed the huge teddy bear to the little girl. It was almost as tall as she was. She struggled to keep her balance with the bear in her arms. Eventually, she lost and landed on her bottom. "Thank you! Thank you!" she said with a huge smile. Then she looked at Bobby through her lashes. "How is Maman?" "Your ma?" Bobby said uneasily. He wasn't sure what to tell the kid. She looked at him with puppy dog eyes. He smiled. "She's fine." "Did she wake up?" Hobbes paused. "Not yet." "She needs a prince," Violette said nodding. "A prince will kiss her and wake her up." "That's right, kid," Bobby said. He was a little sad about it. If only it were as simple as she made it seem. "Well, kid," he said smiling slightly, "What do you want to do?" "Oo! Oo!" she said jumping up and down. "Can we go to the zoo?" "Sure." "And see the giraffes?" "Yep," Bobby liked her enthusiasm. "And get ice cream, and, and, and-" Suddenly, Violette grabbed the sides of her head and fell onto her bottom. Alarmed, Bobby ran to her side lifting her into his arms. "Whatsa matter?" he said, eyes wide. "My head hurts!" Tears began to well up in her eyes. "Come on, we'll go see Claire." Hobbes started for the car. Violette let go of her head. "No, no.I'm better now.. Can we go to the zoo now?" Bobby frowned concerned. "I really think-" He looked into her big blue eyes and melted. "Ok, we'll go. Then we'll see Claire. Okay?" Violette nodded. They headed for Golda. What was wrong with her? 


	4. Eberts in Love?

Eberts wandered around the Agency. He was supposed to be preparing another briefing, but for once, he didn't want to. He was searching for that intriguing woman he met just a few hours before. She was absolutely fascinating. In the short amount of time they had talked before, he found out that they had a lot in common. She had an unusual taste for the science fiction genre that Eberts found very attractive. She enjoyed her job as much as he did. She copied, collated, and stapled all with one hand. She new the government codebook on typeset inside and out. Eberts smiled slightly. Avon. It was old English for "upon a river." It was certainly how Eberts felt around her, like he was floating upon a river. Eberts thoughts drifted off at the thought of Avon's soft flowing hair, green eyes, and impressive. Bam. Eberts walked right into something. Papers rained down from all directions. He instinctively started gathering the papers in order when his hand came across someone else's. He looked up. There was Avon. Their eyes met. Avon smiled at him. Eberts blushed and quickly gathered more papers and stood up. "Albert, I'm terribly sorry," she said. Her voice was so angelic. "I wasn't watching where I was going. Are you alright?" "I." Eberts was at a loss for words. He stood there staring at her with his mouth wide open. "Albert?" she said concerned, leaning closer to him. "Excuse me!" he said hastily and rushed down the hall. He was no good at this. He needed advice.but from whom? The Official would not approve of this. As Robert would say, it would be fishing off the company pier. Robert himself would simply make fun of Eberts; he didn't need to be teased, he needed advice. Alex was all together unapproachable and Darien.well, Darien didn't need charm. It was obvious how he attracted women. Then, all that was left was the good doctor. How could he ask her for advice? Eberts just shook his head. Before he knew it, in his rush, his feet had taken him to the Keep. As he entered, he had second thoughts when. "Albert," Claire said cordially. "What are you doing here?" "Um, I." Eberts' mind went blank. "Albert?" she said, peering at him. Just then, Avon popped her head in. "Albert?" she said, holding up a piece of paper. "I'm afraid that a part of your documents was intermixed with mine during our previous collision." She walked up to him and handed him the piece of paper. Eberts could only smile weakly and take it. "Albert, are you alright?" Avon said, leaning in again. "Fine," Eberts blurted out. Avon drew back. "Very well. I have to continue my errands, but perhaps I will see you later on today." Eberts nodded frantically, and Avon left. He breathed a sigh of relief. That went.well. Eberts shook his head. He turned towards Claire to find she had a huge grin on her face. "Albert," she said in a teasing tone, raising an eyebrow. "Who is the new assistant?" Eberts cleared his throat. "That would be Ms. Avon Stratford. She was recently transferred here to reorganize the Agency to fit the new Health and Human Services code." "Ah, I see," Claire said with the same grin on her face. "Well, she seems very nice." "Oh she's." Eberts hesitated to say anything. He knew whatever came out would sound overly embellished. He just stood there with his mouth open again. "Albert," the Keeper said sneakily, "do you have a crush on her?" "Doctor!" Eberts exclaimed. "How could you dare come to such a conclusion?!" "Come now, Albert. I do have the benefit of woman's intuition.now, tell me about her." Eberts gave up trying to fool her. He rushed over to her and sat in a chair just beside Claire. "Well," Eberts took a deep breath. "She's the most amazing person I've ever met. She is the absolute embodiment of sunshine. We have so much in common. She's so beautiful and so much better than I am. I have no idea how to approach her at all. Doctor, what should I do? I am absolutely lacking a solution to this predicament I have gotten myself into!" "Albert!" Claire said, her head spinning. "Take a deep breath.you obviously like her a lot; you never ramble like this." Eberts nodded anxiously. "Well, what do you want advice on?" "Doctor, I don't know. I'm not sure anything will help. I mean to say that, when I see her, I ...when I think about her..I don't know." Eberts finally said, defeated. "Well, Albert, it seems to me that you've put her on a pedestal already. You've built her up to someone absolutely inapproachable." "Well, she is." "No, I don't think so," Claire continued. "She seems very friendly. I'm sure you could do it." Claire smiled. "Doctor, just tell me," Eberts said frustrated. "How do I talk to her?" "Well, Albert, just be yourself." That was what Eberts was afraid of. He sighed. "Listen, I really think you should talk to Bobby or Darien.maybe just Bobby. He would know how to help you. After all, you two have bonded quite a bit, as I recall. I'm sure he'll help." Eberts sighed again and walked out of the Keep, checking the hall before he exited. If he ran into Avon again, he'd just stick his foot in his mouth. 


	5. A little lesson

"Alright, now move your hips like this," Alex said to Darien, swiveling her hips slightly to the music playing in the background. Darien groaned and obliged. This was so embarrassing. Not only did he have to strip in front of an ambassador, but he also had to get lessons on how to dance from Munroe. Sure, she was a 5-star A agent with a specialty in seduction, but.he could dance. Why wouldn't anyone believe him? "Okay," she said with a grin. "That's good. Now we have to work on stripping techniques. Slowly unbutton your shirt and slide it off." "No," Darien said, stopping his dancing. "This is degrading." "Oh please!" Alex exclaimed, rolling her eyes. "How many times have you referred to a woman as a 'chick?'" "Well, I." "Exactly! Now you know how we feel." Darien couldn't deny it. This was exactly what female strippers had to go through.and they weren't even forced into it. Darien began to unbutton his shirt. "Slowly now," Alex ordered. "Do it to the beat of the music." Darien sighed and did as he was told. Alex watched him, making sure that he was doing it right. A thought popped into her head.Darien was really well built. He could probably be a really good stripper. He had the rhythm for it. And if they just added some oil, dripping down his chest. Alex shook her head. "Uh, Darien," she said, trying to calm herself down. "That's enough for today." Staring at Darien was giving her some bad ideas! "Yes!" Darien said, quickly buttoning his shirt. He enthusiastically ran out the door and towards the Keep. This assignment was really getting on his nerves. 


	6. I remember

"So what's the prognosis, Claire?" Hobbes asked as Claire looked over Violette. Violette giggled. "What's so funny?" Claire asked. "Uncle Bobby said a funny word," Violette said with a grin. "And what word would that be?" Bobby asked with a smile. "Frog-toe-sis." Violette giggled some more. Claire smiled than became serious. She stood and gestured to Bobby to follow her. "Sweetie," she said grinning, "we'll be right back. Uncle Bobby and I have something to talk about." Violette giggled again. "What's funny now, kiddo?" Hobbes asked. She was certainly in high spirits. "Nothing," she said biting her lip. "Come on, you can tell me." Violette shook her head. "You made me promise not to tell." "Tell what?" Claire said, her interest sparked. Violette giggled some more. Hobbes' eyes widened. "Come on, Claire," Hobbes said hastily. "What were you going to tell me? "Now, wait." Claire said as he dragged her away from Violette. When they were far enough away, Violette teased Bobby quietly. "Sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G." She giggled some more.  
  
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Darien strolled into the Keep to find Claire and Bobby standing near the door in deep conversation. He nearly ran into them. He was going to say something, but noticed the stern look on their faces. "What's up?" he said furrowing his brow. "It's Violette," Claire said looking over at the little girl sitting on the demented dentist's chair. Darien nodded his head. "She's been getting headaches," Hobbes said in a low tone, so Violette wouldn't hear. "I fear she's getting worse. I'm afraid we're running out of time," Claire said solemnly. "Can't we do anything?" Darien asked in a low voice. "I mean, what about Lillianne's research?" "Well, I have decoded most of it.but I'm missing a password of some sort," Claire answered. Password. The word rolled around inside Darien's head. Violette looked over at the group. "Darien!" she exclaimed. She jumped off the chair and ran toward the trio. "I've missed you!" She hugged him tightly. "Why don't you visit me, like Uncle Bobby?" "That's a good question," Darien said, taking her up into his arms. He brushed her hair aside and looked into her big blue eyes. A memory flashed through Darien's head.  
  
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"Lillianne," Darien said desperately. A brief vision of Alianora flashed through his head. "Stay with me.Everything's going to be okay." "Darien," she said gasping, "Violette.her tumor.." "Don't speak," he said. Tears began to well up in his eyes. He turned his head toward the door. "Claire! We need you!!" "Li.listen," she whispered reaching for his face. Darien turned to her. "The.pro.procedure." She paused to breath. "The.. password.. is.bijoux." With that, Lillianne lost consciousness. Darien's eyes widened. "Claire!!! Get in here now!!!"  
  
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"I know the password," Darien said, staring off into space as his eyes watered from the memory. "You do?" Claire asked. "Lillianne told me it," he said as a tear trickled down his cheek. He sniffled. "The password is bijoux." "Don't cry, Darien," Violette said wiping the tear from his cheek. Darien smiled at her. Claire ran to her computer and typed it in. "That's it!" she exclaimed. "That's it." She walked up to Violette and smiled. She stroked Violette's little face. "We're going to be able to make you feel better!" "No more owies?" Violette asked innocently. "No more owies," Claire said. "Yay!" Violette clapped her hands together. Darien and Hobbes simply smiled. What a relief!  
  
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	7. What to do? What to do?

Eberts paced back and forth in the Official's office. What was he going to do about Avon? He was able to talk to her before, why couldn't he now? She was such a nice person. The Official was going over some documents and eating his usual lo-mien. He looked up from his papers and peered over at his nervous assistant. "Eberts," the Official said sternly. "Stop that. Your making me motion sick." "Sorry, sir," Eberts said, stopping dead in his tracks. "What's bothering you?" the Official said lifting an eyebrow. "Nothing, sir," Eberts said quickly, dreading the Official's involvement. "Eberts, don't lie to me." Eberts sighed. He couldn't lie to the Official. It was against company policy. "Well, sir. There's this woman." The Official sat up. He chuckled a little. Eberts? With a sex life? Then he shuddered. What would happen to the office? "Eberts, who?" "Um." Eberts had dreaded this moment. "Ms. Stratford, sir." The Official grimaced. "Fishing off the company pier, Eberts? Sure, Hobbes, maybe, but you?" Eberts hung his head. He knew this would happen. "So, have you asked her out yet?" The Official inquired. "No, sir," Eberts said under his breath. "I have not been able to formulate a proper approach." To Eberts' great surprise, the Official chuckled. "I'm not surprised," he said smiling. "So, would you like a little advice?" Eberts looked at the Official in complete shock. "Excuse me, sir?" "Well, back in my day," the Official said polishing his nails on his shirt, "I was quite a lady killer." "Really, sir?" "Oh sure. All the ladies wanted me. I had to beat them off with a stick." Eberts couldn't believe his ears. "Well, sir, I would really appreciate any advice I can get." "Come here." The Official said beckoning Eberts to his side. Eberts kneeled next to the Official's chair and leaned in. "Well," the Official began, "these are some of my patented moves, and they are not to leave this office. If I here anything about it from the other agents I will disavow any knowledge and you will be paying for my lo-mein out of your paycheck. Understood?" Eberts nodded anxiously. The Official leaned down and began to whisper into Albert's ear. His eyes widened as the Official finished his advice. "Sir! That actually works?" Eberts said surprised. "Every time." The Official smiled. Eberts immediately sprung up. "Sir, if I maybe excused." "Go get her, Eberts." The Official chuckled as Eberts ran out the door. The moment Eberts had left, the Official's smile turned into a frown. "That'll keep the him out of trouble.. Eberts. with a sex life." The Official shuddered again.  
  
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	8. Who could blame you?

Alex stared at the wall of her office. What was wrong with her? Sure, Darien was well built, with those rippling muscles, and.. Ack! She was doing it again! This was not good. After all, it was Fawkes. Fawkes! She grimaced. It must have been a mistake, just an involuntary reaction. That's it. Hormones and nothing more. She inhaled deeply and smiled. Nothing was wrong with her. A knock came at the door. She jumped. What in the world was wrong with her? She got up and opened her door. "Hey, teach," Darien said with a slight expression of distaste on his face. "Um, I'm here for our.lesson." Alex feigned a smile. Great, just great. "You know what Darien?" she said struggling to come up with something. "I think you know what your doing. We don't need to train anymore." Darien brightened. "Really?" "Ya." He'd better buy it. She couldn't think of anything else to say. Darien grinned then frowned. "Aw, crap." "What?" Alex bit her lip. This had to work. "Now that means we go out on assignment." Darien kicked the wall and walked down the hall. Alex shrugged her shoulders and gave him a what-can-you-do look as he left. She quickly shut the door and breathed a sigh of relief. She must be lonely.that was it. Heck, if it had been Hobbes, she would have done the same thing. He was after all very strong, and his arms looked so.. Alex slapped herself. She needed a drink. Suddenly, her eyes widened. Darien was right. Now that he was done training, they were going to move out. What was she going to do now? She slumped down onto her couch. "Aw, crap," she sighed.  
  
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	9. What are we waiting for?

Sam Goldwyn was heard saying, "The harder I work, the luckier I get." Oh ya, that applies to me. The harder I work the more bad luck I get.  
  
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Fawkes, Hobbes, and Munroe sat in Golda just outside the strip club. They stared at the black and white monitors, which showed the outside of the building. Both Darien and Alex had unhappy looks on their faces. Hobbes concentrated on the screens. "There she is," he said pointing at the monitor. A short, fat woman dressed in a trench coat wearing large sunglasses looked around her. She cautiously walked into the nightclub. "Great," Darien sighed. He was going to have to go in there, fully visible, and strip in front of dozens of lusty women. Why wasn't it as good as it sounded? "Alright," Alex said, "Well, you two better head inside." "Excuse me?" Hobbes said raising an eyebrow. "No, no, you've got that wrong Munroe. I'm staying here and your going inside." "I think not," she said nervously. "Y-you should go in a back up your partner." "What? Do you have any idea how much I'll stick out in there? Everyone will think I'm.. Well, you know.not that there's anything wrong with that.but.You're a woman." Bobby had a point. What was she going to do? How could she concentrate with half naked men dancing up on stage.especially with what was happening to her recently? She shook her head and sighed. She slowly got out of Golda and walked into the club. Bobby looked over at Darien who was curled up in the corner of the van. "Your turn, Fawkesy," he said sternly. Darien groaned. He didn't want to do this. He got up and jumped out of Golda. "Hey, don't forget this! And watch out for the quicksilver, partner. Don't get excited!" Hobbes said tossing something out at Darien. He caught it; it was a purple thong. He gave a Hobbes, who was laughing now, a dirty look and kicked the van. "Hey, don't take it out on poor Golda," Hobbes said irritated. "You could have told the Official no, my friend." Something clicked in Darien's head. That's right, he could have refused the assignment. he had the power.why hadn't he? Darien smacked his head. Apparently old habits die hard. He slowly walked inside.  
  
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	10. Finally!

"Good evening, ladies!" The announcer exclaimed over the cheers from women inside the club. Down by the stage in the front row, Alex sat next to the ambassador. "You're in for a special treat! Tonight is amateur night.and you know what that means!!!" The women clapped and shouted together, "New meat!!" Alex groaned and slouched down in her chair; she couldn't believe she had to do this. "Well, ladies," the announcer continued, "As Pink would say, 'We'd better get this party started!' Please welcome our first amateur! He comes all the way from the farm. If he can't make the sun rise, he'll surely get a rise out of you. Let's give it up for Petey the Rooster!" Alex groaned. This had to be the worst assignment she'd ever had. Maybe if she kept her cool, everything would be all right. The first stripper came out and began to dance. Her mouth dropped open; that was the biggest. Alex whipped out a dollar. Well, if she was going to be here, she might as well have fun. "Over here!" she shouted waving her dollar in the air.  
  
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Darien looked out on the stage. God, it was intimidating. There had to be at least a hundred women out there, waving money at the closest male they could get. He watched as another guy walked up on stage and began to strip to music. So this was how it worked. He felt like he was going on stage for his one line in the 3rd grade play. Darien's stomach gurgled; he definitely had butterflies. Suddenly he felt a tap on his shoulder. "Hey," a husky man said to him. "What's your name?" "Excuse me?" Darien said nervously. Oh, crap, he thought. "What's your stage name? I need to tell the announcer." Oh. "Um." Darien searched his brain for a good name. He smiled and whispered it into the man's ear. "Ok," the man said raising an eyebrow. "If you say so. Well, when you hear your name, go up on stage." Darien nodded and went back stage to get into his costume. This was going to be better than he thought.  
  
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Alex was a bit flustered, that last guy was absolutely dynamite. She wondered who was next. "Well, ladies, we've got a special treat for you!" the announcer began, "Our next performer comes to us from the Big House. He'll steal your heart before he steals your money. Let's make some sound for Arnaud the Phone!!!" Alex sat up. Arnaud? Darien stepped out on the stage dressed from head to toe in black, as though he were going to rob someplace. Alex laughed out loud, she got the joke. Too bad Hobbes wasn't here. He'd have laughed too. Darien came out on stage. Crazy techno music began to play as Darien began to dance. He glanced over at Alex and saw the huge grin she had on her face. He hoped that it was from his pseudonym, and not from something else. He continued to dance, slowly removing his black tunic. He wished he had chosen something a little less constrictive. As he lifted the sweater over his head, he spotted someone in the back of the room. It was a man. That's strange. Darien nearly stopped dancing completely, but picked himself back up. Alex noticed his pause and headed towards the bar in the back. He had spotted something, but what? Darien eyed the man in the back; he seemed incredibly suspicious. This was a little weird. That couldn't be the guy. It was too obvious. At this point, Darien had ripped off his pants; thank heavens for Velcro! Suddenly he felt a hand on his leg. He stopped his dancing and looked down. There was the ambassador with one pudgy hand on his ankle. She began to wave a twenty at him. Darien faked a smile and began to crouch down in front of the woman. "Hey.uh," Darien was searching for the right word to say to her. Sasquatch? No. Beautiful? No. Cream puff? He looked down at her.Well, maybe. "Hey, baby. How you doin'?" The little woman smiled. "I do good now," she said in a have Slavic accent. "You be good boy and let Lydia give you treat!" She smiled seductively. Darien covered a slight shudder of disgust. It was like getting mentally undressed by the Official. Oh wait.He was already undressed. Still.yuck! He grinned back at her, trying to prevent his gorge from rising. Boy, this was making him nervous. He felt a slight tingle in his spine. Darien took in a deep breath and leaned in closer to the little woman, letting her reach for his.purple thong. The woman grinned and reached, but froze in mid-air. "Where your leg go?!" she shrieked. Darien looked down. His left leg had completely quicksilvered without him even knowing. He quickly stood and pretended to hop backwards. Suddenly, shots rang out in the back of the nightclub. Darien took the distraction to quicksilver completely. The women began to scream and scramble about the building, looking for an exit. Darien dove onto the ambassador, pushing her under the table she sat at. The firing continued. What was going on? Alex crouched behind the bar. The man Darien spied was most definitely the one they were after. She fired two more rounds over the bar as the man fired at her. She hoped that Darien had enough sense to get the ambassador, and himself, out of harm's way. She was the only one who could handle this situation. Suddenly, she heard a man shouting from the entrance. "Alright, buddy," he screamed, "Drop the weapon. We've got this place surrounded." It was Hobbes. Of course. He had been watching the whole thing. Alex banged her head against the bar. He had been watching the WHOLE thing! Well, so much for concealing her hormones. She reloaded her gun as Hobbes took over. The man shouted something in Russian at Hobbes. "What?" Bobby asked. "Never mind. Drop your weapon and get your hands in the air!" The man just scowled and pointed his gun at Hobbes. The trigger clicked as the hammer fell on an empty chamber. The man then threw his weapon down and charged at Hobbes. Ever ready, Bobby grabbed the man as he charged and put him in a sleeper hold. "Why'd you have to go and do it the hard way?" Bobby said shaking his head, as the man fell to the ground unconscious. Alex came out from behind the bar. She was surprised. She didn't know Bobby knew the sleeper hold. That was.appealing. She smiled slightly, then caught herself. Hormones. Suddenly, the very pudgy ambassador came waddling up to the group. Shortly after, a fully clothed Darien appeared out of nowhere. "What going on here?" asked Lydia. "Who is responsible for mess?" "Ma'am, we were asked by your government to watch over you," Bobby said. He lifted the man up and held up his head. "This man was suspected of having conspired to kill you." Lydia put a pudgy hand to her mouth and embraced the unconscious man. "Babushka!" she shouted. "Um," Darien said, raising an eyebrow. "You know this guy?" "Know him?" she cried. "He is my husband!" Hobbes, Darien, and Munroe looked at each other. Mr. Pertrovsky began to regain consciousness and looked around. "What are you doing here, my love?" Lydia asked stroking the man's face. "I was worried about you," he said rubbing his head. "Why do you come to such places? Do I not please you?" "Oh, of course you do. I just like to have fun." "But what happens when a man sees you? He could not resist your charm." Alex elbowed Darien in the gut before he could say anything. "Well," Alex began, "we're really sorry about the misunderstanding." "Humph," Lydia grunted. "What agency are you from anyway?" "Agency?" Bobby said, acting somewhat innocent. "We're.uh.from.Health and Human Services." "Ha!" the ambassador said as she got up with her husband and left. Darien, Alex, and Bobby just looked at each other and shook their heads.  
  
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	11. Thank Goodness

Oscar Wilde once asked, "how can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?" Well, that certainly seemed to be the root of all problems for the Pertrovskys. Then again, marriage has always been an enigma to me.  
  
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Hobbes, Munroe, and Fawkes sat in the Official's office, staring at him. He was not happy. The Official tapped his fingers impatiently and glanced at his watch. His face was turning from pink to tomato red very quickly. "Damn it!" he said, pounding his fist on his desk. "Where is Eberts?" "Somebody's in trouble," Darien whispered into Bobby's ear. "Shut up, Fawkes," the Official said curtly. He grumbled. "I guess we'll have to go on without.EBERTS." Hobbes, Munoroe, and Fawkes just nodded. "Well, there's good news and bad news," The Official began. "The bad news is that the government has decided to decline the extra funding for us. The good news is that the ambassador said she would not press charges. Apparently, her husband had been following her to the night clubs." The Official grunted. "Of course, I don't have any more details." He glared at the spot Eberts would have been standing in. "He never intended to kill his wife.He was aiming at you, Darien." Darien gulped. Then a thought popped into his head. "Um, chief?" "What is it?" The Official grunted, still irritated. "How is Violette?" "Oh.Claire finished with the procedure a few hours ago. She's fine." Darien sighed in relief. At least that hadn't been a disaster.  
  
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	12. Eep!

Eberts awoke with an incredible headache. Last night was blur, which was highly irregular for him. He looked around his humble home. Bottles of Code Red Mountain Dew were everywhere, along with several boxes of half eaten Chinese food. What had happened? He remembered having asked Avon out on a date. They had had a lot of fun at the restaurant and the Movie Theater. Who knew a theater would still be showing Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan? Then, they came back to his place and. Eberts stood immediately. Could he have been that irresponsible? He heard a clamor from the kitchen. He walked over, slowly, afraid of what he might find. Eberts swallowed hard. Before him stood Avon, wearing one of his work shirts as she scrambled some eggs on the stove. "Oh, Albert," she said delicately, "you're awake. I was afraid you might sleep through the day, after what we did last night." Eberts just gaped at her. "I hope you don't mind me using your shirt," she continued. "I couldn't find anything else to wear." Eberts paled. "Albert," she said smiling. "You were absolutely amazing last night." "I.." Eberts stuttered. "I.. was?" "Oh, yes," she said approaching him, still holding the frying pan in hand. "I've never, ever, seen anyone play an N64 quite like that." Eberts nearly fainted, but recovered. "What?" "You don't remember? I'm not surprised. You drank at least five bottles of Code Red last night. You beat me 9 out of 10 times. Frankly, I think you let me win that one time." Eberts sighed relieved. "Oh," he chuckled, "of course I remember.. And that's all that happened, right?" "Yes," she smiled. "Did you think something else happened?" "Oh no. I was just making sure." Eberts relaxed. That was a relief. He had been overly imaginative. That was crazy. "Albert," Avon said sweetly. "Thank you for showing me such a good time." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. Eberts blushed. "Now come," she said. "I've made you breakfast." Eberts smiled and sat down at his kitchen table. He was really happy. "Um, Avon, what time is it?" he asked. 


End file.
